Tonight was one of those nights that you want to bottle up and keep with you forever...
Lately, my favorite part of the entire day is Ava's last feeding before she goes down for the night. (and it isn't because the day is finally over and I can relax.)
It's because that's what the room is quiet and dark, just me and her. She has been doing this thing lately where she put her right hand on my cheek while he drinks her bottle. She locks her big, blue eyes with my brown eyes. I see Mark. Sometimes she stops drinking because she wants to just smile while looking at me. Milk steaming down her face...just to smile at me instead of swallowing her meal. I can't help but start laughing - in turn making her laugh.
We have a great time in that 20 minutes.
She is her father's daughter for sure.
I love that.
She has his disposition already. Always smiling, always laughing.
I would like to take credit for any of her but the only thing I have in her is the shape of her eyes and that nose that I had when I was a baby (so my mom says.)
Tonight was a night I wish I had a video camera over my right shoulder.
Capturing all the little moments.
I literally got emotional tonight. That may seem weird for some of my non parent friends but I'm hoping that my parent friends understand. There's something about putting in so much effort, so much of yourself all day, every day -to then end it quietly and peacefully looking eye to eye with this little person who is half of you and half of the person you love so much.
I would do anything for this little girl. That almost scares me sometimes because I know it's completely true. I would do whatever I needed to keep my daughter happy, healthy, and safe. I would kill for her safety in a split second.
I knew something in me would inevitably change once I became I mother one day...
And now I can say that I did. It changed the way I think, react, plan, and love I think about the future unlike I ever did. Hoping, wishing, and planning for a better tomorrow while hoping that I can make it our reality.
I plan by learning and preparing myself to become what I think is the best kind of mother. I want to be a loving mother who is aware of how to support, educate, and nourish my family to the best of my ability.
Ava has made me want to be better at everything. For example, I now look at the food that I feed my family a lot differently. I want our daughter and my husband to have food that keeps them happy and healthy. Learning about how our food has sadly changed in the past 20 or so years is now a interest of mine- something I can't look the other way on because I now know too much.
I find myself learning about the MMR vaccine-
the all too common repercussions of it to deciding as a family that she will receive it when she is about 4 years old to hopefully prevent Autism.
There are so many things that I care/learn/become aware of when I became a parent.
It is a completely amazing/terrifying experience!
I'll end this by saying that all of those confusing and unsure moments that I experience now are completely surpassed by the ones of complete happiness and love.
Tonight I locked eyes with my daughter for about 15 minutes. She and I were in our own world.
I will always keep these times very close to me. In the hundreds of pictures I take, the videos I record, and the blog posts I write - I will look back and share it all with her one day.
No matter what anyone else thinks or feels when they read my public blog posts; these will always be for Ava.
We love you, Ava Loren.
You are what makes us better every single day.